I still cannot believe
you Bechet motherfuckers have a steam room.
Well, how else are you going to relax after the gym?
You have a gym?
Where else would we work out with our personal trainers?
Did that mass of steam just cough?
God, I'm about to pass out in here.
That's the scariest reveal yet.
I'm trying to clean out my pores.
Every single pore?
Like, none of them can be covered?
I'm filing a report.
One of my Bechet fuckboys gave me a day pass.
Your being here was just a happy accident.
That I waited for.
For hours.
Look, it's just us girls.
You're safe to talk here.
I don't want to talk. I have said everything I need to say.
Is someone pressuring you to change your story?
Moses? Someone on the faculty?
Brooke! No means no.
- How are you not familiar with... - If it happened to you,
then it probably has or will happen to someone else.
- Why can't you just leave this alone? - Because when I was 15,
my school piano teacher told my parents
the only way I'd get better was to start private lessons.
At his house.
And they trusted him.
I trusted him.
I can talk to her for you if you want.
I don't know what I want.
What do you think?
If there's something you want the world to know,
for better or worse,
tell Brooke.
Hey, Co.
Hey, you look nice.
Whoa.
- Is everything okay? - What do you mean?
You just gave me a compliment,
without any irony or a hint of shade.
Is it that bad?
Ah, it's this fellowship.
I'm chasing down a bunch of professors for recommendations and...
Everyone's hitting you up about the Muffy situation?
Is that it? Is everyone asking you too many questions?
Am I asking you too many questions? Answer me.
When did we decide that paying old people to beat us up emotionally
is called "college"?
You know, they actually tackle that in Mista Griggins Gets an Associate's Degree.
Well, I don't want to hold you up.
And remember, quick movements really help break in cheap heels.
And... she's back.
Wow! Wow.
Wow.
Zam!
Don't be so surprised.
You look like you're going on top of a cake.
And you look...
great.
Let's just...
Whoops.
Hmm.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Oh, God, this is so fucked.
Yeah, I know.
We got to cancel Moses.
He was the best thing that ever happened to Reggie.
To all of us, really.
Not Muffy.
Allegedly. Fuck.
Probably.
It just doesn't make sense.
What doesn't?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are ready to begin, so please have a seat.
My name is Douglas Emory and I am the field director
for the JBH Foundation Grant,
which focuses on creative endeavors
with the belief that the arts are essential
to the health and vitality of our nation.
Now, before we get started,
I would like to take this opportunity
to introduce our wonderful and talented grant recipients.
So, please, stand up.
Don't be shy. It's $20,000, after all.
And this year,
we are especially proud,
because all of our recipients are people of color.
I checked the Native American box.
No, you gotta stand up, brotha.
I can't believe that string quartet wouldn't take requests.
The reception was three hours long!
That was your takeaway from the evening?
What do you mean,
Chief Lies About Winning?
Ah. All right, I walked into that.
I feel like garbage.
Sure, you may have taken an opportunity
from someone whose parents don't have heated toilet seats,
but playing a little dirty is an expression of your white DNA.
It's DNA you also have.
- Oh. So you leanin' into this now? - No. Mm-mmm.
Look, I know I'm supposed to be mad, but...
I know how much you need this for your film,
and generally I have this habit of wishing you well.
Now, I figured y'all would need an illustrator.
So this is just a sampling of what I can bring to your new magazine.
And since you're just starting out, in lieu of money
I'll take Hot Cheetos and dark liquor.
Al, what the hell is your major anyway?
Thanks for asking. Psychology.
That concerns me.
Oh. These are actually really good.
Al, are those...?
Vaginas. Yes.
The creativity was just flowing through me.
Aren't they powerful?
"Juvenile" is more accurate.
Oh, so when Georgia O'Keeffe does it she's revered,
but when I do it I'm reviled?
You're an idiot.
She doesn't get my humor.
One of us has got to go!
Yeah, there's the door.
There is no door!
This is an open floor plan.
Al,
you're a very skilled illustrator.
And I'm a big fan of the subject matter, but...
it might be a little one-note.
Fine.
I'll use these in my next gallery opening.
Hey, guys.
I'm out.
No, wait.
- You used to be a writer. - Ouch.
We're starting a brand-new humor magazine.
Except, unlike Pastiche, ours won't be lazy dick jokes.
Our dick jokes will be hardworking.
DELTA.
What the fuck does DELTA mean?
"Don't Ever Listen To Al." We got tired of saying it every time.
Anyway, it'll be funny, caustic, insightful human satire.
A new perspective, more empathy.
Comedy that will actually move the needle on shit that's plaguing America.
Fried Chicanery!
That's the name. Troy came up with it.
It's so great. It works on multiple levels.
Well, two,
but it has got me amped!
Sorry, I wasn't allowed to talk in Pastiche.
Those white boys got one thing right.
Yeah, your parents didn't.
Wow, that is so mean.
She's good.
So what do you think?
We need writers.
Um...
Well, may I ask who's paying for this?
I've been burned before. And pro tip:
try and avoid secret racist billionaires.
Well, who does that leave?
I know a guy.
I have to say,
I am encouraged by the promise of this magazine.
Yeah. You see, there's an impressive projected ROI.
But my family just didn't fall into a Fortune 500 company.
We worked for it and...
You'll be a rock star adding this to the family portfolio.
And not just to be rich, but to build generational wealth...
If this goes right, you'll have your name on a building here.
Let me finish a fucking sentence.
Jeez. Everyone just steamrolls you around here.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to Coco you.
What were you going to say?
I was going to say...
no.
You know, as long as I've known you,
you've been a little hard-pressed for allies around here.
You and I go way back.
And I want to do something with you.
So think about it.
I mean, this...
this could be your legacy,
brother.
No one...
No one's ever called me that before.
Look...
I appreciate this proposal.
I'm not sure what this...
vagina drawing is for.
But what would the magazine look like? What's the content?
Don't worry about that. Okay? You can trust me.
Do you want to do this with me or my money?
My staff and I will have a mock-up for you to approve.
We have a staff?
Yes, we do.
I'll just hold onto that.
♪ 'Cause the pussy act fancy You can ask Iggy ♪
♪ I be rockin' that dick I ain't talkin' Milly ♪
And, you know, I just never thought I'd be white enough
to pronounce the H.
In Aspen,
didn't your parents say you were 12
to get cheap lift tickets until you were 16?
Yeah.
And didn't your dad make a few mil off the same deal
Martha Stewart went to prison for?
Yeah.
And didn't you give those hot Harvard girls your Vicodin when they asked
even though the FDA prohibits sharing meds?
This is starting to feel like an attack.
You've been gaming the system your whole life.
Everyone does.
It's a survival instinct.
Your advice just always makes me feel so much worse.
Well, then can we talk about my problems for once?
I'm starting to feel like the friend in a sitcom
whose only role is to echo the life of a less fun main character.
Milo, I'm sorry, man. You're absolutely right.
What's up?
So the biopsy results came in and...
You want to give the money back?
Yes, please.
I don't even know if there's paperwork for that.
And if there were, I don't want to do it.
I just... I don't feel right keeping it.
But you're okay ruining my afternoon?
It was wrong of me to check that box.
I realize it's not an excuse, but I...
I mean, I was desperate. It was a total lapse in judgment.
It wasn't just a lapse, you lied.
Yes.
Well, no.
Uh, I mean, according to DNA in a Box, I am three percent Native American.
So...
technically, you do have Native American blood.
Technically.
But the grant should still go to somebody who's actually Native American,
or someone white who didn't lie.
Mr. Mitchell,
if you want to reverse the grant board's decision,
it triggers a whole investigation.
So no one gets that money this year.
Would you feel better if it went back to a rich and...
...if I'm being honest,
problematic university?
Well, your phrasing makes it impossible to say yes.
Look...
If you're doing 90 on the interstate,
do you immediately get off, drive to the nearest police station,
and turn yourself in for reckless driving?
No, of course not.
Then get out of my office.
So I tried to give the money back and they wouldn't take it,
so I need you to yell at me.
And loudly, please.
Only if it's a sex thing.
You got a couple extra points for checking a box
the rules say you're allowed to check.
And...
And?
And...
the system is fucked.
But you know that.
And...
I love you.
So...
I love you, too.
You smell good.
But if you try to have any kind of dating life...
people act like you're trying to fool them.
And I guess I get it.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought my life was over.
I was so broke
and depressed
and lost. Uh...
I felt suicidal and...
Dirty.
Like I couldn't get clean.
"Out, out, damned spot," and all that.
And I couldn't be bothered to clean anything.
I spent all my time in bed.
I got kicked out of student housing.
Well, it might be movie magic,
but hearing Sharon have an actual conversation is mind-blowing.
I never realized how many of us were basically saying the same thing.
Well, it's really come really far.
I can't wait to see yours,
now that you have the money to finish.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm excited.
We people of color are so resilient.
Then you get on the meds.
Which I... I couldn't even be bothered to take.
Things start to change
and you start to move on.
You do.
No one else does.
And then Moses came to campus, and...
he gave me a reason to be here.
To...
To get out of bed in the morning.
Can I get a sneak peek? Is Brown Eyes the one?
It's complicated.
We need to talk about Moses.
The one who parted the Red Sea?
Or the one who parted everyone at A-P?
If this shit about Muffy is true,
it's going to set the movement back at Winchester to slavery times.
All the way back to 2007?
This is horrible.
Yeah. We got to find Brooke.
Sorry, I got nothing.
Muffy won't talk.
Won't talk or won't talk to you?
She seems scared.
And she's white.
And rich.
So what are you saying?
Someone or someones are putting pressure on Muffy to stay silent.
Trust me.
I know what that looks like.
You think it's the administration?
Why would they risk that?
Moses seems like the kind of guy whose allies
are much more powerful than our administration.
The Order is more powerful than you will ever know.
I am so tired of people exchanging looks around me!
Sorry, Brooke.
Honestly,
it's bigger than this story for me.
This kind of thing happens all the time, right under our noses.
But how do you tell a story about people who are too terrified to talk about it?
The fact is, 88% of sexual assaults that happen on college campuses
aren't even reported.
Which makes sense, given the atmosphere that college fosters.
Hilarious.
Well, this seems like a match made in heaven.
I should go.
It's just, this is a humor magazine, not so much the news.
We all know this is about Muffy,
but she won't talk.
And it's not about the news,
it's about the truth,
and satire without truth is just...
Pastiche.
All right, Brooke, you're hired.
- Yes! - Wait a minute.
I'm not going to be the only one again.
How do you feel about facial Sundays?
Why just Sunday?
I feel like we're talking about different things,
but I'm still into this.
Okay, for real.
Brooke, you think Moses crossed a line?
I'm positive.
I don't know.
If we go after Moses,
people will be fucked up.
Poor Reg.
Poor Muffy.
Hey, you got a minute?
Actually, no, I'm appointment only.
It'll just take a second.
So, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm starting a magazine.
I don't keep up with your life.
Which is why I'm telling you. Look...
What I'm trying to say is, we're thinking about doing some heavy stuff.
Maybe even going after certain professors.
Specifically Moses.
I just want your advice.
Do you think we're doing more harm than good?
Troy, I don't know. I...
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, I... I'm just...
Yeah.
All right, tell me what you think.
Basically all of my recommendations
are from black professors.
Maybe that's a good thing.
I don't feel comfortable answering that question,
but you should open this.
What is it?
Just a thank you.
You have been a better friend to me the past few days than...
God, I've been to you in the past three years.
That's not true.
We both know it is.
Oh, my God!
I told you my mom was his favorite.
"Let's be honest,
Coco Conners is going to be president someday.
Do you want to be the embarrassing anecdote in her inaugural address
or do you want to claim this brilliant, dedicated, caring woman as alumna?"
Queensfield said this about me?
No, I said all that about you.
And I meant it. But he did sign it.
Muffy, I...
- Thank you. - No, thank you.
This has...
honestly been the hardest time of my life
and you have kept me as sane as I hope to be.
God, was this asshole's face everywhere before he did this to me?
The fucked up part is...
as much as I want to see him pay,
I don't want to be a sentence on his Wikipedia page.
Would it make you uncomfortable if I hugged you right now?
It would make me uncomfortable if you didn't.
Hello?
You're going to have to do some harm to do some good.
What are you talking about?
Go for it.
Keep her name out of it,
but go for it.
What the hell is this?
I know.
I know, it... it scared me at first, too, but if you...
I want to graduate from this school, not burn it to the ground.
This isn't what we talked about.
We were still finding a voice then.
But once we did the mock-up, my staff and I really honed in...
Onto a pile of shit?
You could probably work on your constructive criticism a little.
It stinks like shit?
Do you want to be a part of some run-of-the-mill publication
that caters to the lowest common denominator?
Or...
do you want to be a part of something...
needle-moving,
culture-setting, thought-provoking, and edgy?
James, me and you... my name first...
could really change shit around here.
I wear sweater vests, Troy.
You know, why can't we just do black stuff?
You know?
Like a "jive talk dictionary" or "guess that ass."
I don't know what that is, but that is not black stuff.
James, I didn't leave Pastiche to step into another person's shadow.
I have a vision!
And you have a choice to make.
Because you can't have your vision with my money.
Did I overhear something about how to spend someone's money?
Because I need some.
Are you planning to build a wall?
I'm a Republican, not a racist.
A Log Cabin Republican?
Ah, don't waste your time.
He's got no balls.
I have balls.
Okay?
Look, I understand where everybody's at, okay?
And I know we were hoping it wouldn't come to this,
but the administration refuses to negotiate a new contract with us.
Some bullshit!
Do they really think a two percent wage increase is too much to ask for?
Fucking assholes.
I hate to agree with Ikumi,
but two percent doesn't even give us parity with the other Ivies.
All right, look, everybody's raising really, really great points, okay?
But we need to authorize a strike if we want a chance to fix any of this.
Okay?
So,
all in favor?
Come on, guys!
Thank you, D'unte.
We discussed this, okay?
If we authorize a strike vote, we're showing the administration
that we're worth more than they're offering
and that we're serious.
Hallelujah!
Uh, Moses thinks the strike is a good idea.
Well, if that's what Moses thinks, I guess it's decided.
Never mind the fact that we barely have a strike fund.
How are we supposed to survive
when I'm guessing not one of us has any sort of savings?
- I mean, I have... - We know, Sharon, you have half a bitcoin.
- Please stop talking about it. - Okay, this meeting has been depressing
and now I need some alcohol,
but I cannot afford to forget it.
So, Sharon, I will ask you one last time...
I'm bored and depressed.
Why are you cleaning?
Do you really care?
Is the answer interesting?
Well,
last year I got really into secret societies...
You could've just said no.
This is you depressed?
Okay, girl.
I was going to drink away a bad day,
but now I'm going to celebrate a good one.
Also with drinks!
All right, all right, almost done.
♪ You're dangerously close To serotonin overdose ♪
♪ And you're breaking the smile That you usually do ♪
♪ When you're 'bout to behave ♪
♪ Like any childhood's chosen ♪
Oh, wow. Good for you, Lionel.
There aren't enough black serial killers.
Money, money, money!
I was so fucking worried.
BSU ain't shit.
Sam, you're our girl, but...
...you ain't really behind a mic anymore.
But then Moses showed up.
Thank God.
♪ Good work, Charlie ♪
♪ Hundred bad bitches in the city ♪
♪ All the girls, they are so pretty ♪
♪ Hundred bad bitches in the city ♪
♪ All the girls, they are so pretty ♪
♪ Why do you want me, are you Annie? ♪
♪ All the bad bitches can't have me ♪
♪ Why do you want me, are you Annie? ♪
♪ All the bad bitches can't stand me ♪
♪ Christ, I opened the box ♪
♪ Looked down at the crystal rock ♪
♪ He like, "Wife, give me all you got" ♪
♪ And when I'm screamin' He like, "Where's my cum?" ♪
♪ I'm like, "Tongue" Up and down the stick ♪
♪ In the whip real low In the schoolgirl fit ♪
♪ We talkin' schemin', Bonnie and Clyde ♪
♪ Hundred bad bitches, one ride-or-die ♪
♪ I spit it, I lick it I count it and I flip it ♪
♪ I need it, I want it I need it, I want it ♪
♪ I spit it, I lick it I count it and I flip it ♪
♪ I need it, I want it I need it, I want it ♪
Woo-hoo!